Category: Dear Daughter Letters

3 Simple Rules

J24A2732Dear Daughter,

This will likely be my shortest letter yet. I want you to ask yourself these 3 very important questions and in this exact order before any words escape the fragile confines of your mouth:

  1. Is it true?
  2. Is it nice?
  3. Is it necessary?

Is it true? Well this should be pretty easy to answer. It is a simple yes or no.

Is it nice? This can sometimes be subjective, but give it your best go.

Is it necessary? Think about if you do say it, what are the consequences?

Before I end this letter, remember, these rules apply to gossip as well. Never say something about someone that you would not be able to say to their face. Sometimes our inner dialogue gets carried away in a ditch effort to make ourselves feel better in that moment, although our inner dialogue does not think of the ripple effect that words can carry. Control your inner dialogue, watch your words, and choose what you say wisely.

Dear Daughter, you cannot be anything you want to be.

Dear Daughter,

You cannot be anything you want to be, although you can be a lot more of who you already are. When I think about this concept, I can just imagine a little girl about 5 or 6 looking up at her mother or father and the parent lovingly looking back and saying “My sweet, brave girl, you can be anything you want to be when you grow up.” As encouraging and uplifting as this may sound, we as parents forget to also tell you that it’s going to be hard, really freaking hard. My girl, you can do anything you want to do, but that does not mean it will happen and that does not mean that it will be easy. So, I will tell you this: Live a life driven by curiosity, not fear.

They say when a person gambles they either play to win or they play not to lose. When you play not to lose, you play safe. You don’t take risks or try new things. You stick to what you know with the sole intention of avoiding defeat. Whatever it is that you attempt to do, I want you to play to win; and don’t get delusional, you will not always win. It’s not about the end result or getting the trophy that makes you a winner, it’s the journey and the courage it took to engage with all of your heart. And I’m not talking about getting participation awards for trying. Defeat must be accepted, but accept it as an opportunity for growth, not a stop sign. Trust me, win or lose, you will have learned something new along the way. Break free from the boundaries you hide behind, because if you play it safe, you will never grow.

A perfect example of growing outside of your boundaries is a crustacean. Think of Sebastian from The Little Mermaid. Throughout Sebastian’s life (ok pretend he is real) he has experienced intermediate growth and had to spend much time preparing for it. Unlike humans, a crustaceans’ protective barrier to the world, their shell, does not grow with them. They must literally shed their entire shell and make a new one, all the while being exposed to the harsh elements just to grow a little bigger. Over Sebastian’s lifetime, he had likely outgrown his shell, also called molting, about 20 times. He would absorb the seawater around him in order to expand his soft body under his shell, which in return would crack his outer shell just so, and then he would climb right out of it. Imagine having to break free from your comfortable confinements, be exposed without protection, and then have to slowly grow a new shell to accommodate your growth. Well, that’s exactly what I want you to do. Don’t get comfortable in your “shell” and be willing to expose yourself, because the only way you can grow is to not be afraid to fail.

And lastly, here’s a little secret, fear is boring. We all have fear and all it is telling us to do is to stop. Your brain is trying to protect you from what it feels is a threat. And don’t get me wrong, a good dose of fear is always good and is also referred to as common sense. We can generally identify which fears are legitimate and which fears are as useless as the monster that lives under your bed. Fear is not original. We share so many of the same fears and for what? How are those fears working out for you? If your fear is keeping you alive, like not running across a busy freeway, then yes, let’s keep that one. But if you are afraid of speaking up about your ideas because of the potential criticism, well that is just not helpful. That fear is not saving you from you anything. It’s doing the exact opposite, its keeping you back from expressing yourself. If your fear is not helping you, drop it in the trash can on your way out.

Be curious, play to win and expect to lose, and ditch those useless fears. And then sweet girl, you can attempt whatever your brave little heart sets its mind to!

With all my love,

Mom

Dear Daughter, the world does not revolve around you.

Dear Daughter,

The world does not revolve around you. Take a look back at your day today, you probably got up late, rushed to get ready, stressed yourself out on the way to school because you were going to be late, got to school and immediately encountered the typical drama with your friends, had a teacher give you not the grade you expected, forgot your lunch, and then came home to complain of how much homework you have to do. Ok girlfriend, your day, this scenario, does not make you special. Guaranteed half the kids at your school had the same day, just with different friends, teachers, and homework. Understand that every other kid at your school thinks that his or her life is the only one that is occurring during that day. It is so easy to get carried away in your own drama and life events, that you forget that everyone else is also going through stuff.

Think about your parents, think about a time that your dad or I snapped at you or your little brother for really no obvious apparent reason. Well my child, sometimes we have stuff going on in our lives that you forget about, adult stuff. Stuff that we don’t necessarily want to share with you or make your burden. You need to have understanding that just as you are going through stress in your life, so is everyone else. Have understanding with your friend when she sends a snotty text or when your teacher comes down on the class. You have NO idea what is going on in their lives. Don’t assume that everything has something to do with you, because most of the time, when people are bitchy, have attitude, or snap, it’s because something else is going on in their life and you just happened to be in their path. I’m not making excuses for taking out your frustrations on others or that it is ok to snap at someone just because you are having a bad day. You just need to remember that everything is not always about you and at times, you need to show compassion towards others.

And because I am on the subject of compassion, I am going to take this opportunity to teach you quickly about sympathy and empathy; because I can’t really imagine writing a letter solely devoted to this topic. Although very similar, these things are very different. Sympathy is having compassion and the capacity to understand what someone is going through. Whereas, empathy is being able to identify with someone else’s feelings. Empathy is joining in their sorrow, sharing their pain, and grieving with them. They are both great attributes to be able to express but should be used appropriately based on the situation.

So the moral of this story, the gist of what I’m trying to tell you, is to realize that the world is revolving and we are all on the same ride. Have compassion for others and remember, not everything is about you.

With all my love,

Mom

Dear Daughter, you are not smart, you are not special, and you are not a winner.

Dear Daughter,

I will always see you as my sweet, curly-haired, chubby cheeked baby girl. I know you have grown into a beautiful young lady, but you will always be my little girl at heart. As your mom, I have had the privilege to watch you learn, grow, make mistakes, fall and get up, and most importantly flourish. I want to take this moment to tell you three things that I believe most parents don’t tell their children: you are not smart (you are a great learner), you are not special (but rather just you), and you will not always win (you must embrace failure).

To say you are smart would be a discredit, as it would infer that you have gained all the knowledge you will ever need and have hit an end goal. You are so much more than that. You continue to learn as you strive to be the best you. I want you to think of yourself not just as smart but as open-minded; open to new ideas and learning things that are different and exciting. When you create an identity for yourself, you become bound by those metrics. For example, if you are told you are smart, and that metric is defined by getting straight A’s, then you will only take classes that you know you will ace. You will be too afraid to try something new and fail because then that would mean that you are no longer smart. Don’t be smart, be willing to learn.

Most children are praised with how special they are and that they can be anything they want to be. As this may be true, it is also misleading. When children are influenced to believe that they are special, it creates a narcissistic or superior view of who they are. There are no other children like them, no others that have their talents, their skills, their brains. Well this simply is just not true. If every child is told they are special, then wouldn’t all children be the same? Just because you have different attributes to others, it does not make you more extraordinary than another; you have to earn that. I know you want to be a doctor when you grow up, as do many other kids, what will set you apart is the follow through, the hard work and persistence. I want you to focus on being you and not what others think or do. And remember that it is none of your business what others think of you, so never dwell on others’ opinions of who you are.

Set your goals high, like really high! Then break those goals down into attainable bits and pieces. Now work really hard, put in the time, expend the effort, and don’t only try your best, but do your best. And while doing all of this, expect failure. Expect to fall down, like you did when first learning to walk, but be so determined that you get back again and keep trying. It is not to say that just because you try hard to achieve something that you will always win the game or reach your goals. You need to be prepared to fail and to grow from these experiences. Failure is only bad if you let it be. Think of failure as a lesson you have not yet learned.

I don’t want you to be defined by metrics such as smart, special, or a winner. I want you to have a growth mindset, to challenge the norm, and to ask questions (lots of questions!). Keep on being the wonderful you that you are…humble, compassionate, and curious.

With all my love,

Mom